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10 good reasons i can't find

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alive at last and i'll savor every moment of this [21 Jan 2003|08:00pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

hey guys... i'm making a new live journal user name... it's not exactly set up yet but add me as a friend okay? tasted_ink i don't think i'll be posting anymore from here... i need a fresh start with a fresh journal.... i thought it might be a good idea :-D

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i'm about to do all the things i dreamed of and i don't even miss you at all [20 Jan 2003|05:58pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

i'm saying goodbye to all the shit, the shit that doesn't matter because you know what? why the fuck am i doing this to myself? i have AN AWSOME boyfriend and teo AWSOME best friends. i just feel like for once the person i love loves me back, the fact that i didn't have to say i love him and he said he loves me is amazing, and he cares about me, holds my hand, and just wants to fall asleep with me. So after getting caught for the like bagilionth time throwing up, and starving myself, i'm throwing in the towel. theres so much more to life then this and i want to witness it. Just living life can be such a beautiful thing to witness and i don't even know how, and i'm slowky kearning again, i'm learning what it's like to embrace someone, and care and just to enjoy what i have. so right now i'm saying goodbye to it, becaus eif all else fails, theres tomorrow to start all over again.

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nobody can take your place, though we can never be i'll keep you close to me [15 Jan 2003|06:57pm]
well i haven't written since i was anticipating my day with austin. IT WAS AMAZING. HE IS AMAZING.he eneded up just coming here and we watched american pie cause he never saw it before. we watched the entire movie. he held my hand it was cute :-D then after the movie.. haha :-D thats when the fun started... it felt like 3 minutes but in realityis was like 2 hours... so tomorrow night we might go out to dinner, and then saturday he's coming over here again and he'll be over for a LONGGGGGGGGGG time, then monday we're going to the mall. :-D i like him ALOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. he's too sweet. i love it :-)


i'm horribly sore, and INSANELY cold. like it's the type of bitter cold that gets under your skin, the type where i CAN'T stay in class otherwise i think i would die or someting, honestly it's HORRIBLE. anyone have any suggestions? cause i honestly can't take it anymore, or my fucking back pains...


i talked to alisha today and it made me miss her alot. i haven't seen her in a LONGGGGG time. this girl was like my sister growing up. i've known her and we wer elike best friends since i was 3. and now for the first time we've really grown a part. it makes me so upset, because she is probably the only person in my lfe who we never had a problem, we were always tight and never had any problems, never backstabbed me, never lied, her and now mirriam. i think i should tell her that, cause i miss her, and i want to tal to her more again, it's just hard cause she's still in 8th grade, she'll be in my school next year but i have a feeling it won't be the same anymore, and it REALLY upsets me. she's going to be with the preppy popular girls, the perfect ones who cheerlead and look at me with disgust becaus ei mix short skirts with a million pieces of gothic jewelry. because i'm weird and i don't like to put on the act of perfection, and don't wear short shorts in gym because i don't want to show my ultra huge thighs and i would fucking freeze. GOD DAMN THEM. they're taking my little sister. :-(
7 comments|post comment

she was on the floor all night i just can't get enough [12 Jan 2003|11:48am]
[ mood | sick ]

austin should be home anyy time now :-D i'm nervous. i feel sick I HATE food. i decided to have a little yogurt (apoximately 60cal) for lunch cause wanted to have SOME enegry for today but now i just feel sick. i feel a little better i guess though, i'm gonna be horrible when we bring him home :-( i'm gonna go. bye bye xoxo

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so lay down, the threat is real [11 Jan 2003|07:45pm]
[ mood | dead/paniced/alone ]

i'm alone... reality hit, i'm fucking alone. i can feel everything in my head spinning. theres no one, no one cares, i'm alone alone. i can't say anything else theres nothing else thats logical enough to say. i've put myself in the facade that certain people care long enough. i feel like it's been my security blanket for so long. i just want to disappear... go away forever in my own ravein where i belong, the one that apperently doesn't exhist. i don't understand why austin cares so much about me, i need to get away... i feel like i'm not worthy of him, i'm not worthy of anyone, i'm fucking alone again. i'm listen to my dad fucking ramble and lecture about how his fater sucked... well look at hijm, i'm not listening i'm typeing. FUCK HIM. FUCK THE WORLD. I DON'T CARE.

2 comments|post comment

standing in line to see the show tonight [10 Jan 2003|11:04pm]
[ mood | sore ]

saturdayyyyyyyyyy! it's a fucking miracle i swear. i just want to be with AUSTIN. thats all i want honestly NOTHING could make me feel better. i want himmmmmmmmmmm now!!!!!!! i wonder if he'll ask me out? i hope :-X i like him alot... i mean thats obvious and apperently he likes me alot. i just hope it stays that way... i get to sleep tomorrow... no voice :-) HOORAYYYYYYYYYY! lol. i did my college search for whe week yesterday. and more and more i'm aiming toward quinnipiac. anyone go there or know anything about it? i have shit loads of stuff on it. i LOVE it so far. it's just exactly what i want.it's in conneticut, and it's like a good school and i heard alot of good stuff about it. oh back to austin... g2g shower... times going to be messed up cause of me lacking to put this up when i wrote it... it's like 10am... blahh write more later xoxo

2 comments|post comment

i cna only wonder how, touchng you would make me feel <3 [08 Jan 2003|10:01pm]
[ mood | loved ]

he makes me this fucking crazy....

he actually makes me smile... isn't that fucking crazy?!

18 comments|post comment

I'd do anything just to hold you in my arms [08 Jan 2003|06:20pm]
[ mood | cold ]

today was blahh... at school atleast... my back hurts severly... so i went to the nurse durring lunch and layed with a heating pad. i'm exhausted... and i weighed myself this morning... i lost atleast anbother 6lbs. which is good i guess... i got a bit to go yet.


austin is at swim *sigh* i wana talk to him :-( i miss him. i have to finish my geometry project before he gets home at 8... it's 6:30 and my damn parents won't move form the god damn table so i can't start. i did the wrtten part... i just have to make 3 god damn flags.... fuckers. i'm gonna go try to do that.

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haven't felt the way i feel today it's hard for me to specify [07 Jan 2003|09:57pm]
[ mood | loved ]

me and austin are being rather mushy today haha i like it though... we're doing the whole *your amazing thank god i found you* shit. i wana see him NOW damn it. the anticipation is killing me.

6 comments|post comment

'Cause if you want love we'll make it, swim in a deep sea of blankets [06 Jan 2003|07:46pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

my infactuation is growing fonder... he had swimming all afternoon so he told me to leave him little messages while he had his away message on :-D i've had butterflies all day. like he likes me... my friend that goes to his school said everyone was talking about me there. he's like wow. i sound all bubbly haha. lik i'm all smiley. *DAMN* who knew a boy could do this for me... someone totally knew that i never could have even though of. it's amazing. he's like so sociable and just like amiable. he makes me smile damn it. that song reminds me of him... *your body is a wonderland* cause he's just so much like that... he might come over after the movie sunday :-D deffinetly good. hopefully i will have a "boyfriend" sometime close to that. lol. i'm in my little fantsy worl, fantasizing about what it will be like, how fucking great he'll treat me *GWEN COME BACK DOWN* lmao... i gotta stop this lol. xoxo

8 comments|post comment

i want all the stupid old shit like letters and sodas [05 Jan 2003|10:57pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

i have a DATE!!!!!!!! damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! wow... holy shit... next sunday i am going to the movies avec mon nouveau ami austin :-D haha. he takes french as well. imagine that?! we're going to go see *catch me if you can* wowwwww! hehe. i'm so excited. he's like wow. he reminds me so much of james in so many ways and i didn't even realize it till mid afternoon today while i wa sin the car. he's JUST like him, except with more of a personality, and more REAL. like theres more to him then damn drugs... infact, austin doesn't do drugs beat that ass hole jamesssssssssss! but i think thats what draws me to this kid, and i think it's a good thing, i'm so excited to see him, i like can't wait, it's amazing. okay i'm gonna go say goodnight to him and then goto sleep... nighty night... xoxo

14 comments|post comment

late at night when all the world is sleeping i stay up and think of you [05 Jan 2003|03:50pm]
[ mood | excited ]

austin just get better by the secons... i'm AMAZEDDDD. we've been talking for like an hour and a half. i'm so crazy about him... like he knows exactly what i want and we have so much in common and it's like we take the words right out of eachothers mouths... it's amazinggggggg, like wow... he even said *this is amazinggg* i'm acting MYSELF and saying how i REALLY feel and he understands... it's really fucking amazing. like i feel like he's not going to fuck me over. he's like wow he's like fucking amazing. i actually LIKE talking to him. i'm amazed i can't saying anything except that it's AMAZING. i LIKE him, and he's everytin i was looking for, it's GREAT. <3 he's taller then me, he has blue eyes, and he's got the punk thing going on (and i've always loved that) he's not prude, but he's not an ass getter either (yes we talked for a WHILE about that stuff) and he doesn't mind long distance (we live like 30 minutes away from eachother) i'm so happy. this is actually like GOOD. and he likes talking to me. i'm so happy! but i'm still following through with my plan nether the less. everything will be perfect. i will be how i'm meant to be and i'll maybe have an awsome guy... wouldn't that be great :-D

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i could only wonder how... touching you, would make me feel [04 Jan 2003|11:10pm]
[ mood | excited ]

i met a guy... at the party.... he's REALLY cute. his name is austin. he has sparkly blue eyes. we danced... slow danced and he gave me his screen name. we're talking now... wow... he knows the juliana theory... this is fucking wonderful. we kept smiling at eachother and stuff. he's like WOW. i'm AMAZED. for the first time in wow... forever and a half... since tony left... i'm HAPPPY and EXCITED. wow i'm gonna go talk to him... write more later... :-D xoxo

15 comments|post comment

i 've been dying just to feel you by my side, to know that your mine [04 Jan 2003|02:16pm]
[ mood | tired ]

haha my plans going through, i'm happy about that, but it's making me tired, hopefully it won't be long, and everything will be okay... it will all be over and there won't be any more *problem*

i got my official *permit* today sop i can legally drive with ma mere and mon pere. hehe. I am supposed to attend a party tonight with jess in new egypt. apperently they think i should drive HAHA. i was up there today doing parallel parking and it sacred me, i realized what i was doing, and i remeber how fucking scared i used to be in the car. (bigggg phobia) and well i freaked out... still scared but i'm better. i'm suprised i can drive. i thought i'd be a mess. i'm still a nervous mess though.

midoriweedle's birthday is coming up... i gotta think of something to send her :-) go comment on her journal and wish her an early birthday ;)

i feel okay because i know it'll all be over soon. hopefully. i've been going as plan and it will stay that way. xoxo

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Want your skin up against mine move my hips to the baseline [02 Jan 2003|04:14pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]

this morning was good. matt made me feel good. he goes *i still have to give you your xmas present...* and i wa slike *what?* and he goes *2 words Brian ******* * haha. he's like... come talk to me in lunch today and i'll see what i can do :-) i got scared though so matt said tomorrow :-D this kids HOTT he would never want me :-( but i figured why not let matt help me and take a chance.

Tony was back today. i missed him, he looked good as hell (as usually) he said hi to me in the morning, jess said he wasn't talking like at all today... i hope he's okay :-( i've missed james alot today, and i was right, i saw him today and wanted to die. he's perfection, everything i want, need, and could ever desire. i miss him. i want it to be a year ago when we were taking midterms and we ran off to dunkin doughnuts and i bought a coffee and i bought him a bunch of shit, walking back to school in the pouring rain JUST in time to take my french midterm. i remember it like ti was yesterday... i think thoes memories kill me more then anything. or when we went chroistmas shopping and we were in the bookstore and he chased me with a bobthe builder book, and he caught me turned me around and kissed me... one of thoes movie kisses, ya know? it was PERFECT. and he bought me chicken flavored snack crackers from the dollar store and MADE me eat one... as much as i didn't want to. i'll NEVER have that again. i hate thinking that. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

2 comments|post comment

avoiding the spots we'd have to speak [01 Jan 2003|07:23pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

i'm still blah... i go back to school tomorrow. and i'm sacred... i'm not ready to go back, it's only for two days and i don't know how long i'll be there before they send me away, if they send me away. i have a feeling they're planning on it. being me and my mom got the brochure... 3 times... thats never a good sign. i kinda can feel a panic attack coming on or something so i'm gonna go lay down.

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[01 Jan 2003|02:07am]
tony came on... we talked for a while... wow... who knew i would here from him... he imed me... wow... i'm speachless... just very suprised...
2 comments|post comment

you give me stregthn to get me through the night [01 Jan 2003|12:23am]
[ mood | depressed ]

all night i just cryed... 12pm struck and i just cryed more. 10 minutes passed, and my cell whone rang... and honestly i was shocked... it was jess. she saved me. i think she was confused because i was crying, but i was happy, when she called i cryed of happiness, because someone, just one person, that one person, remeber me and called on the phone, someone who just thoguth of me. i was amazed... it just felt so nice, to hear someone, to know they wanted to talk to me, to know there is someone who cares. i know it sounds stupid *so what someone called?* but jess is the only person in my school who i really hang out with all that much, and i don't know, i guess i know i'm gonna lose her when she moves in march, and i'm scared, cause i know when she leaves i'm TRUELY not going to have anyone in my school. i'll see her at work, and thats it, except when we hang out at our houses. and well she cared to call me. she remebered me. she also told me she asked her parents if i could come with them to their party but they couldn't bring me. cause she was originally going to come sleepover here.


okay i know i talked to krisst on new years and that was fun cause i love krissy cause she's my BFFL and i would die without her, it was just to know there was someone who remembered me, someone who i love, someone who cares. i still feel sad, and shit, but i'm better enough to say i know jess cares, and it's nice to think that. and for some reasons *i turn to you* by christina aguilera comes in my head. i don't know why. but it can't be a bad thing...


err fuck, that song *these are the days* are on dick clarks new years by o-town performing live. that was the first song me and tony danced to... ughhh... :-/ i miss him. i wish i could hear from him right now. if i heard from him right now, i couldn't ask for more. that would be all i would need. thats would be all i need to live right now.


tony-

you are such an amazing person, and i love you sooo much as an indvidual, as a friend. you have no idea how much you mean to me, even if we don't talk as much as we used to, i still think your maazing, and i just don't know how else to explain. if all i can be is your friend, then thats what i want, thats all i need. i wouldn't want to be without you.

love always - me

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i fear my end is coming soon [31 Dec 2002|11:49pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

i felt okay for a mear 24 hours... the dark cloud is closing in again. right now i just feel like i want to die. the year of 2202 is coming to a close... and i don't want it to. why? because i want it to be jan 1, 2002 again... i was with james, i was happy, there was so much going on, right now i'm nothing, i just honestl;y with i was gone. i'm fucking alone again. no one cares. i don't have a god damn life anymore. i'm dead already whats the point of going on? theres nothing waiting for me, nothing here and no one. i am no one and no one wants me. i want him back, the same him who has destroyed my insides. a year later and looka t me? WHY DOES THIS FUCKING HAPPEN TO ME

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the ocean looks like a thousands strewed across a blue blanket [31 Dec 2002|05:08pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

happy new years eve guys... i'm staying home... might visit a party for a while... but i don't particularly want to go. i iwsh i had tony :-/ blahhh. i felt loved with him.


i'm bored can you tell? i wish everyone a wonderful new years. my resolutions - loose 20lbs and get in the sack with either james or tony <3 hahaha that would be funnn

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